Navigating The Holidays When A Loved One Drinks Too Much
Author Kristen Fuller, MD
Protecting Your Peace During The Holiday Season
The holiday season is a time for joy, gratitude, festivities, and gathering with loved ones. However, it is also a season where alcohol consumption significantly increases, and when this occurs at holiday gatherings, it can be upsetting and triggering.
Learning how to manage family members who drink too much, protect your own peace, and navigate these situations while in recovery can make a big difference. With clear boundaries, thoughtful planning, and strategies to handle triggers, you can enjoy the season without compromising your well-being.
Five Tips For Managing Family Members Who Drink Too Much
A simple answer to dealing with family members who drink too much around the holidays is to avoid them or enforce “dry holiday events,” but sometimes that isn’t possible. Sometimes we have to think “out of the box” to plan events and holiday gatherings that are not fueled by alcohol, which may include having upfront conversations about limiting alcohol consumption and setting boundaries if the drinking becomes too much.
1. Limit Alcohol Served At Events Or Encourage Alcohol Free Beverages
If you are hosting, you are in control of how much alcohol, if any, is served at your holiday gathering. Be clear that alcohol will not be served or will be limited at your gathering. You can limit your holiday parties and dinner to beer and wine only, provide alcohol-free beer, or make delicious mocktails. Common holiday non-alcoholic drinks include hot cocoa, non-alcoholic eggnog, sparkling apple cider, or mulled cider.
You can also pour a glass of water alongside an alcoholic drink or encourage people to alternate between an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic beverage, as this can slow down how much alcohol they consume.
2. Set A Time Limit On Parties And Holiday Gatherings
If you are hosting, make it clear when the start and end times are and stick to them. Having a strict cut-off time can ensure that your family members don’t linger while drinking more. If you are attending a holiday gathering and are worried about being around your intoxicated family members, you can set a hard “exit time” for yourself.
Be transparent about your time commitment early on in the evening or at the beginning of the family meal. By setting a time limit, you are not being a rude guest or host but are establishing boundaries for yourself and your home.
3. Avoid Triggering Conversations
Discussing certain topics, especially when alcohol is in the mix, can create an uncomfortable dynamic that may lead to arguments and heightened emotions. Don’t bring up politics, religion, or any other controversial or triggering topics with your intoxicated family members, and excuse yourself from the conversation (or the table) if these topics of conversation go sideways.
4. Introduce A New Activity Or Tradition That Doesn’t Involve Alcohol
Whether it is a family softball game, ice skating, a hike, or some other fun outdoor adventure, an activity that doesn’t involve alcohol can be a good way to spend time with your family around the holidays.
This can also include arts and crafts, board games, baking holiday treats, or going for a family drive (or walk) to marvel at the neighborhood holiday lights and decorations. Hosting a holiday breakfast or lunch is also a great way to limit or avoid alcohol at family gatherings, since alcohol is less expected early in the day than it is later in the evening.
5. Have A Plan In Case Your Family Members Become Too Intoxicated
If one of your family members or guests becomes too intoxicated, it is important to have a plan ahead of time. This can include cutting them off from alcohol, excusing yourself from the table or environment, or asking them to leave and providing them with a sober driver or a rideshare such as Uber.
If you have one family member who tends to drink too much at holiday gatherings, you can talk with your other family members beforehand about exiting the situation altogether if this particular family member becomes too out of line.
You may choose to talk to this particular family member and kindly ask them to pace themselves, but if they become too inebriated or inappropriate, you must let them know that you will have to cut them off for the rest of the evening. If this gathering is not at your home and you don’t have the authority to ask your family member to leave, it may be best if you leave the gathering if too much alcohol is fueling inappropriate conversations and behaviors.
Four Tips To Manage Emotional Reactions To Heavy Drinking Around The Holidays
If you are in recovery from alcohol addiction, trying to cut down on alcohol, or are triggered by intoxicated people, it is important to manage your stress levels and emotions around the holidays. Emotional triggers that are known to increase cravings for alcohol include hunger, anger, loneliness, and exhaustion, and all of these feelings can present in full force around the busy holiday season.
1. Set Boundaries For Yourself
If you feel triggered in any way, whether it is because of outlandish remarks from family members, too much alcohol at play, or you are exhausted, give yourself permission to leave. You don’t have to give a reason, and it is up to you whether you choose to tell people why you are removing yourself. You can only control your own actions; not other people’s actions or words, especially when they are intoxicated.
2. Recognize Your Triggers And Practice Ways To Control Your Emotions
Triggers could include past family trauma, unresolved family conflict, differing political or religious views, and inappropriate remarks. Instead of letting your emotions take over, walk away, practice breathing exercises, meditate, listen to music, and do whatever works to calm your nervous system.
3. Remind Yourself That You Cannot Control Other People
If a family member becomes inebriated at a holiday gathering and says inappropriate remarks, that is their decision and their actions. You cannot stop them, force them to apologize, or control how much they drink. Letting go of this control can be freeing and can allow you to set healthy boundaries when it is time to excuse yourself from the table.
4. Have A Backup Plan If You Choose To Stay Home
Society often makes us believe we must attend holiday parties, white elephant gift exchanges, and endless family and friend gatherings, but the reality is that we can choose to stay home. It is important to choose whether you really want to attend a holiday gathering that may put you in a stressful situation.
Sometimes, protecting your peace and mental health and choosing to skip holiday gatherings can be the best choice for you. If you do choose to skip one or all of the holiday festivities, try to keep yourself occupied, as staying home alone can get lonely, especially around the holidays. Keep a stash of good books, crafts, and television shows and movies to watch if you choose to stay home. Sometimes, protecting your peace and mental health and choosing to skip out on holiday gatherings could be the best choice for you.
How To Manage Your Family Members’ Drinking Habits If You’re In Recovery
Your recovery is more important than attending family gatherings around the holidays that could be triggering for you.
1. Have An Escape Plan If You Are Trying To Stay Sober
Make sure you have an exit strategy if you feel uncomfortable. Practice in the mirror what you will say before you excuse yourself from the gathering.
2. Practice Saying “No” To Family Members Who Offer You Alcohol
This could mean a simple “no thank you” or another response, such as “A glass of water would be great” or “Do you have any non-alcoholic cider?” You do not need to explain yourself.
3. Lean On Your Recovery Support Network
Have a recovery support friend you can call if you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation around alcohol at family gatherings during the holidays.
4. Attend Support Meetings
Even if your holiday calendar gets busy or you are traveling, it can be helpful to attend support meetings, regardless of the location. There are Alcoholics Anonymous recovery meetings everywhere, even if you are out of town visiting family for the holidays.
5. Only Attend Gatherings Where You Will Feel Comfortable And Supported
This may include asking the host who will be attending and if alcohol will be present. You could also let the host know that you are in recovery, so they are aware of your situation in case you do feel triggered and need to leave. This is your holiday celebration as well, and you should be around people who support you and love you. If you are hosting a gathering, invite people you feel comfortable around, and make it clear there will be no alcohol.
Explore These Featured Centers
Should You Have A Conversation With A Family Member Who Drinks Too Much?
If your family member who drinks heavily will be at a holiday gathering you plan to attend, you may consider having a conversation about your concern with them. If you are the host of the gathering, you can explain that there will not be alcohol at the gathering, or that you do not want them to drink in your home. You can always choose not to invite them to your gathering or skip a holiday gathering if you know they will be there.
If you are not hosting the gathering, it may be difficult to tell them they cannot drink in someone else’s house, or in their own house if they are hosting. You can, however, tell them you are concerned about their excessive alcohol consumption.
If you tell them your concerns, it is important to explain that you care about them, that you are coming from a place of love and support, and that this is a difficult conversation that has been heavily weighing on you. You may have many reasons for wanting to spend less time with people who drink. Maybe you want to cut down, perhaps you are in recovery, or maybe heavy alcohol consumption makes you uncomfortable. Whatever the reason, you can decide whether to share it.
You could also choose not to have the conversation and not attend the gathering. You may choose to forgo the conversation altogether because you are uncomfortable sharing that you are sober or in recovery, or you are nervous that their response may turn into anger and defensiveness. It is important to think about the pros and cons of having the conversation, as you know your family member best.
Signs Your Family Member Needs Professional Help
Alcohol misuse, abuse, or addiction can be incredibly harmful, and professional help at a treatment center can help your family member build back their life in a healthy and safe manner. The following are signs of an unhealthy relationship with alcohol:
- They have a hard time controlling how much they drink
- They drink alcohol in every social situation
- They use alcohol to manage their stress
- Other family members and loved ones have expressed concerns about their drinking habits
- They become sloppy, inappropriate, or black out when they consume alcohol
- They have tried to cut back in the past, but were unable
- They become defensive when asked about their drinking habits
- They are constantly hungover
- They experience alcohol withdrawal
- They have a high alcohol tolerance
- They make impulsive decisions when they drink
What If Your Family Member Refuses To Cut Back Or Seek Help?
If your family member refuses to cut back or seek help, it is important to remember that you cannot control them or force them to do anything. You can stage an intervention, and you can have as many conversations as you like with them. Ultimately, it has to be their decision to seek help. They have to be ready and willing and want to receive treatment; otherwise, they will have a greater risk of relapse.
You can choose to keep your distance if you feel unsafe or triggered, but it is important to let them know you still care about and love them, and that you will be there to support them when they choose recovery.
If your loved on is ready to get help, you can visit our rehab directory together to explore the many treatment options available to them and help them start their recovery journey today.
